Game of Thrones Season 3, Sansa Snark Blog- Episodes 1-5

I’ve started watching Game of Thrones. Everyone acts like it is a gift of the old gods (and new!) to television, but is it? (Probably not, but it is really good.) Stay tuned for regular updates as I post my comments and observations on the show, season by season, episode by episode. These posts will have no real structure except to disrespect the obvious hard work that goes into creating a show of this scope and magnitude. Shall we?

Previously on Game of Thrones… Ygritte, Hot Pie, Jaime Lannister’s Beard, Boat Explosions, The National. And I guess The White Walkers showed up.

Episode 1

– It’s a cold open. LITERALLY!

– Can they seriously expect Sam to send out the ravens when they’re all busy trying to not get decapitated by White Walkers? C’mon now.

– Wait, The Lord of Bones can just take his terrifying bone mask off?? You know, I could accept some of the more fantastical elements of the show (and that the only indication of passing time is that Jaime has grown a full beard,) but this just takes it too far.

– So, Davos is alive; washed up on a rock, burnt and covered in what looks like bird shit, but alive.

– Cersei has a look on her face that just screams, “WE CAN’T HAVE A QUEEN THAT SUPPORTS ORPHANS!”

– This whole scene of Daenerys negotiating the terms of purchasing a slave army with Fake Young Ben Kingsley is actually pretty hilarious. Everyone loves a good lost in translation scene, it’s probably why the movie Lost in Translation was nominated for multiple Academy Awards. (I mean, just take the concept of misunderstandings due to language gaps and spread it out over a whole movie? Brilliant!)

– 8000 guys in the army, each of which had to kill a baby. Are you telling me there are 8000 more dead babies within the universe of this show??? What is with the killing of all the babies???? STOP KILLING BABIES!!

To clarify: This man is not Ben Kingsley. However, he does look like a younger version of the way Ben Kingsley looks today. Hence, Fake Young Ben Kingsley.

Episode 2

– Uh oh, Bran’s walking again! This can only mean one thing! “Dream Captain take me on yr ship…”

– Hodor can convey so much understanding with just a single “Hodor.”

– Theon’s getting tortured now, so that’s a new development for him.

– Jaime is by far the most charming, likable, would be child murderer ever.

– The gods aren’t punishing Catelyn Stark for wishing death unto young Jon Snow, they’re just annoyed at inability to make a decision and commit to it. I mean, obviously they don’t care about adults killing children, there’s 8000 dead babies alone in Astapor. SAVE THE BABIES.

– Joffrey wants homosexuality to be punishable by death, so at least we know where he stands on the important issues of today.

– The crossbow phallic imagery is almost too much to handle right now. So is this classic example of Chekhov’s crossbow firing demonstration.

– Bran is a warg: You know: half man, half dog. He’s his own best friend.

– The Hound is back and blows up Arya’s carefully constructed spot in about forty seconds.

Episode 3

– Cersei and Tyrion play the Game of Throne Arrangement at the small council meeting table.

– Wait, Jaime has been captured for a whole year? How the time flies when it’s totally unclear how much time has passed.

– Are you sure it’s not called WinterHELL, Arya? I’m pretty sure it’s called Winterhell.

– Farewell, Hot Pie. May your breads be delicious until the end of time.

– The White Walkers really are quite the artists. That spiral galaxy made up of dead horses was actually rather impressive.

– “Valar morghulis. All men must die. But we are not men.” Minor chills.

– Ok, Podrick being a sex god is my new favorite sub-plot of all-time.

– Goodbye to Jaime’s right hand. That was an all together shocking moment that had me going “Whooooooa they cut off his hand,” out loud.

– Why is an Irish punk version of The Brotherhood’s song playing over the credits? Is this going to become a thing, where every time there’s a song in the show, there’s a cover of it in the credits? If so, you should hear my rendition of the main theme on pan flute.

Welp, that’ll get your attention.

Episode 4

– And now Jaime’s got to wear his hand around his neck. Lovely.

– Poor Varys, castrated by magic. Good thing he captured the guy that did it and is imprisoning him in his chambers. Wait… what?

– They sure know how to make scumbags into sympathetic characters on this show; I’ve really come around on my opinion of Theon’s foot.

– Lady Margaery’s grandma is quickly ascending the ranks of best side characters, what with her irreverence for literally everyone.

– Margaery is like too nice, right? What is she scheming behind those mesmerizing eyes that are so beautiful and trustworthy, you just can’t help but get lost in… damnit, she’s good.

– Craster has had 99 sons and more daughters than he can count? ATTN Scumbags of the world: Is Craster your favorite character??

– It would seem that The Night’s Watch’s watch has ended.

– Daenerys spoke Valyrian, the language of Fake Young Ben Kingsley, all along. She then proceeds to have her dragon roast him and rallies an entire army behind her. Such an exciting sequence of events. Can’t wait for her to finally get to Westeros three seasons from now.

Episode 5

– The battle between The Hound and Ol’ One Eye here is the closest thing to a lightsaber fight that we’re going to get in Game of Thrones.

– How is that guy who just died now alive? The night is dark and full of terrors man, don’t worry about it.

– Jon Snow obviously knows something about something, na mean? *wink wink* (It’s a cunnilingus joke.)

– Game of Game of Thrones: Kill a child murderer or spare him so you don’t lose support from the Karstarks?

– Why are there dead fetuses in jars??? What the hell is going on in this show sometimes???

– “Have you met my insane wife and disfigured daughter?” -Stannis, becoming a substantial character.

– Jaime telling it like it is! Way to kill that psychopathic King! “And a reeeeal hero… reeeeal human being.”

– Robb Stark has never been more strategic than when he’s trying to have a romantic moment with his wife.

– The Lannister siblings hate each other, but they don’t want to be married off by their father.  How will this resolve itself? Stay tuned for more Game of Game of Game of Thrones to find out.



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