I’ve started watching Game of Thrones. And seeing as I’m all caught up now, this will be the last entry in this series (awww….) until I figure out what to do once Season 4 starts airing in the Spring (YEAH!!!) It has been fun and this is a great show (though let’s be honest, it’s no *insert name of some other drama to piss Game of Thrones superfans off*.) Let us slightly mock the hard work of others one more time, shall we?
Previously on Game of Thrones… We said goodbye to Hot Pie (attracted by the allure of a baker’s life,) to Fake Young Ben Kingsley (burnt to a crisp by a toddler dragon,) and to Jaime’s sword stabbin’ hand (unceremoniously severed from Jamie’s sword stabbin’ arm.) Goodnight, sweet princes. And now, the conclusion.
– In case anyone was confused about how this show wants to characterize Sam, this episode opens with him unable to build a good fire.
– Bran gets a first-hand look at all the fun, vision-induced seizures he gets to looks forward to as he goes through life as a warg.
– “Forgive my manners; I don’t see many ladies these days.” -Beric, a character with one eye.
“You don’t see much at all bro! Ha HA!” -Me, a character who talks to the television.
– I will now be using “The laws of my fist are about to compel your teeth,” as my go-to, whenever appropriate.
– Cersei Lannister: Undateable.
– Ros, NO! Just another reason for everyone to hate Joffrey.
– “Life is all just one big climb up an imaginary ladder of chaos, or something.” -Oh Petyr Baelish, so wise. Especially when I’m totally accurately quoting your monologue from the end of this episode. Yep, no paraphrasing for comedic effect here.
– Oh Sansa, you’re soooo superficial. Give Tyrion a chance!
– Marry Sansa. Bed Shae. Rule Winterfell. Bron makes it all sound so easy.
– Joffrey’s points about dragons are extremely valid for an inbred scum of a human teenage king.
– Daenerys, Queen of the slaaaaaaves! She continues her series of brutal slave-related negotiations. She’s like the King Schultz of her time.
– Arya’s one true god is death? Shit’s getting dark.
– Theon’s life just gets stranger and stranger. THEY CUT OFF HIS GREYJOY!
– Jaime can’t bear to say goodbye to Brienne, which is a great segue…
– Because suddenly, A BEAR! Boy, this escalated quickly for Brienne.
– This bear fight scene is such a blatant rip off of Anchorman I mean, MY GOD!
– Aww, sad bear.
– The Mountain once killed a man for snoring. Glad we can confirm that he is still a character worth hating.
– Davos can’t read, but he sure can swear like a sailor!
– The Lord of Light is perhaps the most compelling argument for the existence of god, probably ever.
– Tyrion has promised to never hurt Sansa. Oh, this can’t end well.
– “If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.” Cersei doesn’t want to be friends, Margaery! (Editor’s note: I was dying laughing after this exchange.)
– This cloaking ceremony at Sansa and Tyrion’s wedding is oddly reminiscent of a James Brown concert.
– Rapid fire wedding comments!: Lannister siblings get drunk, UH OH! Tyrion is the god of tits and wine, and Peter Dinklage is a very convicing drunk. Joffrey gets just a lot bit rapey.
– I’m glad all these wedding scenes led to Tyrion being a redemptive human being. Otherwise that was just going to be one uncomfortable and ultimately sad sequence of events.
– What’s the deal with all the crowsHoly shit White WalkerHoly shit, SAM KILLED THE WHITE WALKER! THAT’S WHY THEY MADE HIM SO INCOMPETENT AT EVERYTHING! WHAT A TRIUMPH OF CHARACTERIZATION!
In which the most brutally violent sequence in television history takes place.
– Arya doesn’t want The Hound to kill the old guy, yet she bashes the old guy over the head after he’s already been knocked out, which could in theory knock his brain around and kill him. Logic.
– Jon Snow, you just left the best damn girl you’ll ever get.
– Rickon is as indignant about being called a Southerner as I am when people call Rockland upstate New York.
– Daario Naharis, what a dream boat!
– “You’re the smartest woman I know, but you’re too stupid to see he made up his mind ten minutes ago.” -Robb Stark’s last wor… wait no, that’s a different show.
– Clearly the motto of House Frey is “A Frey always hold grudges.”
– I suppose this whole Red Wedding thing would have been more emotionally affecting for me if I was more invested in Robb and Catelyn Stark as characters. That being said, from the perspective of what it means for the surviving Stark children, well that’s just really upsetting. (Yet it also leaves the door open for some very intriguing revenge storylines, which probably won’t happen, as there is no justice in this universe.) Now, because I go on the internet, I knew that there was going to be a scene in the ninth episode this season where some Starks get brutally murdered. Still, I was not prepared for the level of violence and gore that I would be seeing. Catelyn’s death specifically was just so matter of fact, as blood spews from her neck and she falls to the floor, I was left with equal feelings of emptiness and “Holy shit, what did I just watch!?”
– Honestly, if not for spoilers my mind would have been blown when the band started to play “The Rains of Castamere” and Lord Bolton’s chain mail was revealed. Both moments were so well executed.
– Now the only Starks left are children, a bastard and a Greyjoy. If this story doesn’t end with all the Starks standing in a circle and repeatedly stabbing Joffrey on the ground, ala Office Space , then I don’t know how it can end.
– Will no one care for the dire wolves???
– “Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.” Words to live by.
– Ooh don’t sass your grand pappy, Joffrey! He’ll send you straight to bed without supper!
– “He killed a guest beneath his roof, that’s something the gods cannot forgive.” Annnnnnnd smash cut to Walder Frey’s face. Master-level stuff here on Game of Thrones.
– Sam and Hodor, together at last!
– Arya kills a man. The first man. “Valar Morghulis.” Annnnnnnd smash cut to me pumping my fist.
– “Why is there a ‘g’ in night?”
“I don’t know, there just is.” English is weird.
– And the season ends with the dragons doing stuff. Can’t have a season ending without dragons doin’ stuff!
One thought on “Game of Thrones Season 3, Sansa Snark Blog- Episodes 6-10”
I’ve enjoyed your snarky recaps!
Hope you enjoy Season Four. Starting freaking not soon enough. It is known.