THASS THA HEARTUVA CHAMP EEAHN!!!
Previously on recapping Game of Thrones: Stannis did nothing, a story line got wrapped up just as it was starting and Daenerys did her usual lingering. Oh, and Peter Dinklage delivered the Tyrion performance of his life, no biggie tho. This week…
Season 4, Episode 7: Mockingbird
I am having a hard time with this episode, to be honest. A hard time finding humorous things to sort of mock in order to put an emotional distance between myself and the show, I mean. There was a lot of real emotional content, a lot of characters coming together, confiding in each other, baring their souls, sharing feels. This forces me to admit, that I was, in fact, feeling some of those feels.
After Tyrion demanded his trial by combat, captivating television audiences everywhere, the show decides to teeeease it out just a little bit. Tyrion is looking for a champion to represent him, and is finding that getting someone to participate in a fight to the death on your behalf is kind of tricky. Option one is Jaime, but he seems oddly unwilling to die just to end the family line and stick it to dad (also the whole fighting with his left hand thing.) Option two is Bronn, but in what has apparently been the months since Tyrion was imprisoned (this show has always been terrible with the passage of time,) he has totally sold out (just like The Rock to The Corporation in 1998,) and been given a bride, along with all the fancy, non-black clothes that come with being married. Meanwhile, Cersei has chosen The Mountain as her champion, who lest we forget, is a total jerk. Last I remember seeing him on the show, I believe he was torturing people and before that, he was cutting his own horse in half. So what do we see him doing when he is re-introduced as a man who is supposed to be The Hound’s brother but no longer bares any resemblance to him? Why, disemboweling men half his size for what appears to be his own pleasure. What a piece of shit.
At wit’s end, convinced he will have to fight The Mountain himself, Tyrion finds an unlikely ally. I say unlikely, not just because that exact sentence about finding an unlikely ally was in Cablevision’s description of the episode, but because he is one of Tyrion’s jurors, which I am pretty sure is like, a conflict of interest or something (lawyers, please opine.) But, this is Westeros law, so who even knows what is and is not allowed anymore. It’s Tywin LannisterPrince Oberyn! Oberyn recognizes that Tyrion is a man, not some monster with claws and one red eye. Sure his head is kind of big, but you know, it’s not that big. Plus, Oberyn has a score to settle with the Lannisters and starting with killing The Mountain, the man who killed is niece and nephew, and raped and killed his sister (like I said, a total jerk,) seems like as good of a jumping off point as any. My own feelings mirrored the look on Tyrion’s face when Oberyn told him, “I will be your champion.” The feels!
Arya and The Hound checked in for their semi-weekly dose of top-notch television content. After chatting up a dying farmer, where Arya gets to flex her philosopher muscles (“Nothing is just nothing”) and mercy killing him, Arya and The Hound are promptly attacked. One nameless assailant bites The Hound right on the neck, but promptly gets his own neck snapped to death. (It is fortunate that 24 Season 6 does not exist in this universe, or else he may have known the correct way to bite someone to death on a television show.) The other nameless assailant however, was one of the caged men who threatened Arya at Harrenhall. She recognizes him, but as she does not know his name, she cannot place him on her Intergalactic Hit List. Fortunately, he names himself as Rorge (hi Rorge!), after which Arya politely thanks him, and stabs him right in the heart (bye Rorge!), which The Hound had just conveniently showed her the location of minutes earlier.
Bad ass action is not the only thing we get from these two this week though. We get some real feels as well. The Hound in particular reveals some deep emotional vulnerability. He recalls the story of how he got his facial scars, from his brother holding his face up to a fire for playing with one of his toys (like I said and then parenthetically reiterated after that, a total jerk.) Worse, their father protected his little Mountain, saying the young Hound was burnt in an accident. In reality, The Hound is just a lost puppy looking for a place to call his home. Here’s hoping he can find one. Man, who’s chopping onions next to my computer? Does anyone else smell onions?
Equal parts “aww” and “such craftsmanship. wow.”
Yes M’Lady-Ser continues to show its promise this week with Brienne and Podrick stopping at an inn and chowing down on some rather delicious pie (probably a great relief because as we confirmed previously, Podrick’s main character flaw is that he does not know how to anything, including how to cook.) There really is nothing like eating a pie while it’s hot. Wait a minute… hot pie? *Gasp* Could it be?! Were these pies made by the one and only… HOT PIE?!?! Yes, in the television cross-over event of the century, Hot Pie makes a triumphant return as a rather chatty (and rather proud) pie maker. He also ends up being rather helpful, giving our dynamic duo a crucial lead (in addition to the masterful bread-wolf above,) for what is ostensibly the over-arching story for these two, but is really just a framing device for them to learn about each other, the world, and grow as people: finding Sansa Stark. Look: Brienne initially tells Podrick that he is, “not interesting enough to be offensive.” But after Pod reasons, based on Hot Pie’s suggestion that Arya may be there, that maybe Sansa is with her aunt in The Vale, Brienne realizes that her squire may of be some use after all. This journey, it’s not about honor or keeping oaths, it’s about learning what your place in this world really is. Onward, to The Vale and to a mutual respect of each other! We can only hope Yes M’Lady-Ser does not come to an abrupt end as a result of the actions of…
Tommy “Petyr Baelish” Carcetti, Governor of Maryland and, I guess, Head Adult in Charge of The Vale? Basically the king of shocking moments and revelations this season, Carcetti does it again, putting dear Aunt Lysa through the Moon Door, way down in the hole. Yes, the notebook was on top the head in complete shock, yet again (even though I half expected it to happen!) Out of all the characters playing the so-called “game of thrones” that the show takes its name from, he is by far the biggest gamer. Like 20 hours in front of the computer, resulting in carpal tunnel syndrome gamer. For my money, he has become the best character on Game of Thrones, and as a show of solidarity, I will be changing my Twitter avatar to honor him, at least until he does something that is deeply upsetting to me as a human being with real feelings. (Click that link if you don’t believe me. I DON’T BLUFF.) I really hope I never have to change it as a result of his actions, though to quote the man himself, “A lot can happen between now and never.” And that’s when I creepily plant one on Sansa Stark.
Random thoughts to comfort us as we fall through the Moon Door:
– I’m relegating three story lines to this section because I was pretty “meh” on them. Step up your game and get included in the main section!:
- Congrats to Daario on finally getting into the Khaleesi’s pants. It probably had nothing to do with swimming a mile for those nice flowers, and everything to do with your penis. Women, right? So superficial. On the flip side, my sympathies to Jorah Mormont for trying to be the nice, understanding guy, but it looks like he just waited too long and will now be stuck in the “trusted advisor-zone” forever.
- Melisandre: “Men never crave what they already have.”
A real quote said to the television by a real person watching the show in the privacy of their own home: “Bitch, you don’t know me!” - The ultimate twist of the show is that, despite what everyone has heard, Jon Snow actually knows everything.
– #ThatFeelingWhen this feels like the last time we will see Bronn; being a cutthroat rogue has no place in married life (Well, aside from his plans to kill his sister-in-law, though I think that’s just the exception that proves the rule, right?)
– As much as I hate The Mountain, it’s nice to see Will Sasso is still getting work.
– Robin has a real gaping hole in the floor fixation. Freud would be having a field day.
– The next episode is “The Mountain and The Viper,” sooooo hour long fight scene?
Fight This Generation 