Game of Thrones Season 5, Sansa Snark Blog- Episode 5

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Photo: HBO

Previously on recapping Game of Thrones: A cult, another cult and a beach invasion highlight a rather stabby episode. This week…

Season 5, Episode 5: Kill the Boy

It might be hard to believe, but we are already half-way through the fifth season of Game of Thrones. That can only mean one thing: it is once again time for MID-TERM EVALUATIONS!!!

This week, we start with the end where, as much as I have enjoyed Jorah Mormont, Patron Saint of the Friend Zone, in the past, I have to give him a big, fat F, for being unable to follow his own rules. “Don’t let them touch you!” he yells to Tyrion, as the two of them are ambushed by zombies Stone Men. Jorah’s clearly been around the Westeros block his fair share of times he knows that Grey Scale is nothing to be trifled with. Maybe that’s what makes him go under water to save Tyrion. But then again, maybe that’s what doomed him. As he reveals in the final shot of the episode, Jorah’s got a tiny spot of Grey Scale up his sleeve, a spot that’s going to grow and grow until he’s an out of control Stone Man himself, in dire need of some moisturizer. He had one rule, and he broke it. Boy, if you thought Khaleesi hated Jorah now, imagine how hard is she going to turn him down this time when she finds out he brought a deadly disease to her doorstep.

If not because of his easily spreadable disease though, Daenerys Targaryen will probably shut down Jorah’s invitation to love because, well, she’s getting married now! And for that reason, I must award an A-plus to Hizdahr zo Loraq (yes, I had to look this name up,) because talk about making something out of nothing! Earlier in the episode, Loraq, along with the rest of the heads of the great houses of Meereen, stared down two dragons and witnessed a man burnt alive and ripped, quite literally, to shreds. (Hell, I’ll go out on a limb and say that that was the most brutal death this show has produced.) Now, he gets to marry Daenerys Targaryen! Later, Loraq is literally on his knees in a jail cell, his future uncertain, begging for his life. Now, he gets to marry Daenerys Targaryen! When we first got introduced to him in Season Four, Loraq saw his father crucified by Daenerys in the early days of her abolitionist crusade. Now, he gets to marry…ohhhhh, he gets to marry the woman responsible for his father’s death. Woof. That’s going to lead to a lot of awkward conversations around the dinner table. Sorry bro. Congrats on the good marks though?

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Photo: HBO

In other marriage news, Sansa Stark and Ramsay Bolton continue their march towards what figures to be the most twisted wedding of all-time, and this is a show that pulled off the Red Wedding. Nobody does psychological torment quite like dear old Ramsay Bolton. For that, he nets himself a B-plus. Why only a B-plus if he’s the best at what he does? Because torture is inherently wrong, you guys! Look at Theon. LOOK AT HIM! The man sleeps with dogs and has no penis, because of Ramsay! Ramsay has also already begun to get his gross hands inside the mind of his bride to be. Does this man have no etiquette? You don’t bring up your future bride’s dead (as far as she knows) brothers over dinner with the family! Save that stuff for the drive home, man. Wait until you’re brushing up before bed to let her know that you want your butler-slave, who “murdered” her brothers, to give her away at the wedding, because he’s very tragically the closest thing she has to kin left. Don’t air that dirty laundry for everyone, it just makes it awkward. You know what, C-minus for table manners, Ramsay. C. MINUS. 

Would it be too much for Sansa to finally snap under the pressure of never ending trauma and just straight up murder Ramsay while he sleeps? She could even pin it on Reek, no one would ever suspect any different! I award Sansa an A, for just being able to sit there, absorb everything, quietly stew, contemplate her next maneuver, maybe even cry a little on the inside? Judgement free zone, Sansa. Totally okay if you are, no one would think any less of you. Coming back to your home, only it’s not your home because there’s all these strange people here that murdered your family and want you to walk down dark dog kennel corridors, must be unsettling. (I know I personally get nervous every time Sansa has to walk down a dark corridor.) Keep on biding your time, Sansa. Keep on biding your time.

Up at The Wall, Stannis gets ants in his pants and decides for some reason that now is the time to ride towards Winterfell. Shireen and that dreadful Selyse (formerly known as “Stannis’ Crazy Wife”) are along for the ride too, in a plan that seems just a little bit too hasty. Are you really going to put your adorable daughter in harm’s way just to get an early jump on things? Thus, it’s a C-plus for Stannis’ skills in planning and time management. Look Stannis, I know I’ve chided you in the past for never doing anything, but making your move now? Yes, you’ve got the numbers advantage, and the experience advantage over Roose Bolton, I just don’t want you to start doing things all of a sudden to impress me. I’m worried that starting to do things after all that time of not doing anything is going to be more of a rush than you can handle. Plus, Roose Bolton knows what’s up. He may be a D-Minus level father and human being, but he definitely knows that you’re coming.

Another reason it’s poor timing for Stannis to head south to The North: He won’t have the help of Jon Snow, who continues to learn that being Lord Commander of The Night’s Watch is a tough job, with little joy. Half of the men already hate him, and now he’s going to make the other half (even young Olly!) hate him as well. Not one among the Night’s Watch wants to see a peace with the Free Folk, you know, because of the history of raids and slaughter? But Jon, trying to make a memorable impact in his first hundred days, knows that this is what needs to be done. He’s off to go persuade the rest of the Free Folk to join up with him, and get south of The Wall. The Night’s Watch swore to protect the realm of man, and as far as Jon is concerned, the Free Folk belong in that realm. Morally: Correct. Strategically: Probably not great to have all your men hate you, and and to take a trip into enemy territory with Tormund Giantsbane, your de facto nemesis. Either way however, he kills the boy. A-minus.

Spare thoughts and evaluations at the half-way point:

– Grey Worm: “I failed everyone!” Yep, you did. F.

– Grey Worm is also ashamed for being afraid he’d never see Missandei again, followed by him getting to make out with Missandei. A-plus.

– As mentioned above, Roose Bolton has no redeeming qualities. We learn that he raped Ramsay’s mother, and even contemplated throwing baby Ramsay into a river. But, he has come to realize that Ramsay is his son (Even with a new son bun in the oven.) And the North is theirs. It belongs to both of them. He may be a psycho, a rapist, and a traitorous rat, but his son is just like him. AND THE CAT’S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON…

– Miranda is jealous of Sansa, but also she makes Sansa privy to Theon’s existence? Classic Miranda.

– M’Lady-Ser branches out into webisode territory, with the brief appearance of Brienne and Podrick. Brienne concocts a solid B plan in which she convinces one of the North Rememberers to tell Sansa to light a candle in a tower if she ever feels like she’s in trouble. Hopefully that surly North Rememberer remembererers to pass that message along, or else we might be headed for a stagnant hypothetical middle of the hypothetical season on the hypothetical M’Lady-Ser.

– This week in “Samwell Tarly is a BIG DEAL”: His dad is the only person to ever defeat Robert Baratheon in battle. He also gets to talk to Stannis about how he’s the only person to ever kill a White Walker. Samwell Tarly is a BIG DEAL.


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