Sansa Snark: Season 6, Episode 6

Photo: HBO

Previously on recapping Game of Thrones… Hold the Do-OH GOD *sobs uncontrollably.* This week…

Season 6, Episode 6: Blood of My Blood

This past weekend, while down in the Outer Banks for a wedding, I found out that I am probably not a Targaryen. I know this because while walking across hot pavement to get to the beach, I burnt the bottom of my feet quite badly, and spent the rest of my time down there tending to my wounds and having trouble walking down stairs. This really has no connection to this week’s episode, just a funny parallel between my life and Game of Thrones, as I continue to recap the show, and slowly die slowly merge into one amorphous entity with it. 

Anyway, so the actual episode. Bran is still in his Three-Eyed Raven study session, while Meera keeps on dragging him into the snowy night. At this point however, Bran has advanced from hanging out and ruining Hodor’s life in Winterfell, to seeing lots and lots of…things. For one, he gets a recap on all the sunny, Stark-centric action he has missed out on! You know, like himself falling off the castle walls, or his father, mother, and brother all getting killed. Real happy moments! And as if that were not enough, Bran gets some Game of Thrones ~*eXcLuSiVeS*~, getting glimpses of The Mad King, and The Mad King’s wildfire stockpile, and The Mad King’s murder! (As well as a bloody hand that the internet tells me is from inside the Tower of Joy; we’re one step closer to the edge of solving that case!) Soon after this big info dump, Bran awakens from his state to say hi to Meera and let her know that the wights have found them. Such a way with the ladies. Luckily for them, some random dude with fire (listed in my notes as “Random fire dude”) has got their backs, and totally takes care of business. Then things get really “whoa dude no way!” up in here, as Random fire dude is revealed to be none other than Benjen Stark, not seen since Season One, and previously used as an excuse to murder Jon Snow. Benjen back! (and not recast despite being off the show since Season One!) Turns out this presumed dead guy ain’t so dead after all. Well, kind of. He did get stabbed by a White Walker, but ended up being rescued by the Children of the Forest, who saved his life by… by stabbing him again, but this time with a dragonglass dagger (as seen in Bran’s origin of the White Walkers vision from last week.) So yeah, dragonglass good. As for next steps, seems the only thing left for Bran to do is to be at the Wall, wait for the Night King, and to be ready to engage in fisticuffs (with hopefully lots of fire and dragonglass and Valyrian steel, for good measure.)

Another Stark kid continuing to have quite the weird go of it is Arya. She is once again at THE THEATER, though unlike last time, she ends up having a real fun experience, reveling in the poisoning of Joffrey. All humor goes the way of the actual Joffrey however, when Lady Crane (Arya’s assassination contract) delivers a riveting monologue as Cersei mourning the loss of her son. Later, while Tywin Lannister is farting to death, Arya heads backstage to carry out what she was sent to this play to do. She poisons Lady Crane’s drink, but ends up running into Lady Crane, who recognizes Arya as that girl who is constantly in the crowd. Apparently, Arya (operating under the pseudonym “Mercy”) has seen this shit three times, qualifying her to be able to give Lady Crane some notes on her performance, which is weird considering she is there to kill Lady Crane, so nothing she says is going to matter. But, when Lady Crane goes to drink her poisoned rum, “Mercy” smacks it out of her hand (GET IT?! MERCY?!) and warns that she better watch out for that other younger actress, who totally wants her dead. Of course, The Waif is also hanging out undercover, and reports back to Jaqen what happened. So now, The Waif gets to fulfill her lifelong dream of killing Arya. Meanwhile, Arya retrieves Needle from its conveniently sword-length deep hole in some rocks, and waits.

In King’s Landing, Mace Tyrell, amazing singer, and general bon vivant, shows up looking as dandy as ever with his army that he is going to use to kill all the Sparrows at Margaery’s walk of shame/atonement. Then, while the High Sparrow babbles on and on about how Margaery has sinned and disgraced everyone she knows, etc., Jaime rides a horse up the stairs (like a total bad ass, I might add) and demands Margaery and Loras be let go, OR ELSE. Unfortunately for everyone involved, all the Sparrows yearn to die in service of the gods. More unfortunately, the High Sparrow throws a wrench into the Lannister-Tyrell plans by calling off the walk all together. Still even more unfortunately, this happens because Margaery has apparently already atoned, by way of converting someone else into an evangelical fanatic and-BAH GAWD KING, THAT’S TOMMEN BARATHEON’S MUSIC!

In a turn reminiscent of (but ultimately less than, because who really cares about Tommen?) Hulk Hogan joining the nWo, Tommen and Margaery align themselves with the High Sparrow to form a Holy Stable between the Crown and the Faith. Together, they will make King’s Landing great again. I knew the High Sparrow was scheming! Hell, the King’s Guard already have re-branded armor! That sort of smelting doesn’t just happen overnight! That is calculated, pre-meditated smelting, my friends! Jaime is, of course, furious at this swerve, not only because it means his plan to take out the Faith gets pinned 1-2-3, but also because this means he has lost his son. *sad face* Forced to step down as Lord Commander of the King’s Guard, Jaime is ordered to go to Riverrun to deal with the Blackfish for Walder Frey. Of course, Brienne is also headed to Riverrun to talk with the Blackfish for Sansa. Jaime and Brienne: Reunited and it feels so good? (Or maybe Brienne kills Jaime with the sword he gave her. Never can tell with this show.)

Photo: HBO

The Lannisters aren’t the only family steeped in drama this episode. At long last, the moment Game of Thrones fans across the world have been clamoring for! We finally get to have a sit down with the whole Tarly clan, as Sam and Gilly and Little Sam finally arrive at Horn Hill! Sam is very nervous about returning home, so nervous in fact that he can’t stop listing off types of trees. I mean sure, trees can be majestic; you’ve got your maples, your elms, your beeches, your poplars… But anyway, yeah, he’s nervous as this is the first time he’s been home since his father, Randyll Tarly, threatened to kill him if he ever came back. Thanks dad! He sets some basic ground rules: 1) Little Sam is and always has been Regular-Sized Sam’s son, and 2) Don’t mention that Gilly is a Wildling; dad hates Wildlings. Thanks dad! Upon arrival, Sam’s mother and sister are the most pleasant people in the history of mankind (in the Game of Thrones universe, at least) telling Gilly how lovely she is, and asking her what her color is, so they can give her the ideal dress.

Randyll Tarly on the other hand, that guy is a fucking dick. He scowls all dinner long, and is ba-rutal to Sam. Whether its fat-shaming him for eating too much bread, or pejoratively calling him a Nerd for wanting to become a Maester, Randyll Tarly does not relent. Thanks dad! Gilly comes to Sam’s defense though, attempting to show that Samwell Tarly is indeed a big deal, having previously killed a Thenn and a White Walker. Then of course it comes out that Gilly is a Wildling, and I’m pretty sure Randyll pops a blood vessel in his face when he banishes Sam and mentions that Heartsbane, a Valyrian Steel sword that has been in the family for centuries and is just sitting out there for someone to take, will never, EEEEEEEEEEEver be passed down to Sam. Thanks dad! It’s sad really to see Sam regress back into being a spineless wimp, especially since it means he’ll be leaving Gilly and Little Sam behind. Gilly sees so much more in Sam than anyone else (Sam included,) and would do anything for him, so I don’t see why Sam can’t stand up for-aaaaand he’s back, because he and Gilly and Little Sam belong together. AW. Before leaving though, there’s one last piece of business to attend to. Taking that fucking sword. Thanks dad!

Perhaps finally realizing that her time is better spent trying to burn Westeros to the ground (to then rule over it, of course) than trying to convert the hopeless time suck that is everywhere she’s been in the last however many seasons into a free society, Daenerys finally realizes that her time is better spent trying to burn Westeros to the ground (to then rule over it, of course) than trying to convert the hopeless time suck that is everywhere she’s been in the last however many seasons into a free society. As Daario tells her, “You’re a conquerer, Daenerys Stormborn.” She wasn’t made to sit in a chair in some throne room, negotiating with idiots she can easily have ripped to shreds by her dragons. So Daenerys runs off, somehow finds her dragon, and delivers a rousing speech on the back of said dragon. It’s all about getting on ships to go kill a whole of bunch of people so Daenerys can be Queen. The crowd goes wild! Oh yeah baby, murder is in the air. Does this mean Daenerys is the antagonist now? Who really cares!? Something actually interesting is going to happen in the Daenerys story arc! I’m so jazzed I could cry.

Spare Thoughts to help us go out and conquer some shit:

-Also happening this episode:

1. Walder Frey is mad that everyone is laughing at the Freys. The Blackfish escaped the Red Wedding and re-took Riverrun! Frey wants his men (apparently the same men who personally killed Robb and Catelyn Stark) to re-re-take it, but it sounds like everyone is against the Freys now. Luckily, they have a little bit of leverage. Why, it’s what’s his face from the Red Wedding, AKA Edmure Tully AKA the Blackfish’s son, who has apparently been imprisoned all this time, and is sporting quite a terrible haircut/wig.
2. Cersei’s upcoming trial will of course be a trial by combat, where she will of course be represented by The Mountain. Each trial by combat has had a twist (to say the least of The Mountain crushing Oberyn’s head,) so it will be interesting to see how they play with our expectations this time with the re-animated corpse of The Mountain going up against a mystery opponent. (Though if you read the internet, maybe it’s somehow The Hound?)

-Does the title of this episode not sound like it should be an episode of The Twilight Zone?

-Speculation Corner: Margaery is up to something. No way she’d become swept up in religious fervor, and abandon her brother just like that. Then again, she is a fictional character with fictional motivations that can always change because this is a fictional work, so what do I know.

-Uncle Kevan, who I only remembered actually existed when he showed up in the Small Council a few episodes ago, is apparently already down to clown with this new Faith-Crown regime despite supporting Jaime and Cersei’s plan two episodes ago. Better to be alive as Hand of the King than to be dead as some dead guy, I suppose.

-Can’t imagine Tyrion is going to be too pleased about Daenerys saying “fuck it” to Meereen shortly after he just negotiated a murder-less peace there.

-Here’s a joke I forgot to use last week, and am throwing in here because it seems like it won’t be relevant anymore: “We only get a short glimpse of Vaes Dothrak in the opening credits because it sucks.”

-Randyll Tarly joins the club of characters whose names are misspelled ever so slightly to make them seem more medieval, or whatever. I despise those characters. Probably why I didn’t mind that much when Robb and Catelyn got killed.

-No one died! (but holy crap, these next few episodes are shaping up to be violent.)