Sansa Snark: Season 7, Episode 5

Previously on recapping Game of ThronesLatest episode of the hit series. This week…

Season 7, Episode 5- Eastwatch

Hey, so Jaime didn’t die! Not that there was any chance of that actually happening in the first place. Still, it’s always nice when a character doesn’t die a random, heartbreaking death, and instead turns up on a beach to hack up a lung like me after a three-mile run. What a glorious day! (And Bronn didn’t die either!) Not so glorious for Jaime, he now has to be the one to let Cersei know that they are so totally fucked (Bronn’s words!) because if the Lannister army can’t stand up to one dragon, how in the name of Zeus’ BUTTHOLE are they going to stand up to three?

Somewhere off in the other direction, Tyrion examines the carnage of the battle. Walking through the ashy landscape that used to be a quaint riverside locale, he has a look of horror on his face. Tyrion always did hate the war part of war, and this is no dif…Oh my god, what the hell? Am I drunk or is that dragon COMICALLY large?

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Photo: HBO

Obviously the dragons are firmly established as being enormous, terrifying monsters, but this just feels much more absurd than normal for some reason. Anyway, Daenerys is trying to show all the Lannister men that she’s not like a regular queen, she’s like a cool queen, one who will let everyone live. Of course, in order to live, they’ll first have to BEND, THEKNEE, which many are more than happy to do. Really, it’s quite amazing what you can force men to do when you threaten them with death by dragon, which is an observation I feel like I’ve made on here before, but bears repeating. The Tarlys however, do not bend any of their four available knees. Randyll Tarly is nothing if not a man of principle (aside from, you know, that time he turned on the Tyrells like five days earlier,) and will not take orders from someone who is not his queen. Dickon also will not bend, as is his one character trait of “is also a Tarly” dictates. Tyrion desperately wants to spare the Tarlys, but a bold threat is a bold threat, and Daenerys will have to follow through if she’s to be taken seriously. Thus, the Tarlys died as they lived: engulfed in flames? No, let me try again… Thus, the Tarlys died as they lived: turned into a crumbling pile of ash that’ll get swept away like so many memories? What? What does that even mean… Ah screw it, THEY’RE DEAD NOW, DANY BURNED THEM ALIVE WITH HER DRAGON.

Meanwhile, Samwell Tarly, always and forever the only Tarly of true consequence, is still languishing at The Citadel, listening to dude’s in white robes blab on and on about how smart they are. The Citadel received a crucial raven message, straight from Bran Stark himself, who upon using all three of his eyes to control a bunch of other ravens, happened across his old buddy The Night King rapidly approaching Westeros. Sam catches wind of the maesters basically saying, “get a load of this shit,” and implores them to believe what Bran is saying. Having encountered the White Walkers himself, Sam knows what trouble lies ahead for all humanity. He also knows that, due to their fancy white robes and giant chains, The Citadel holds a great deal of sway over public opinion. If The Citadel tells everyone that the threat from The Night King and the White Walkers is real, then everyone will listen. Unfortunately, the Archmaester is a Night King truther who thinks Hardhome was a false flag, and that the wights and White Walkers are paid crisis actors hired by the state, and refuses to act on Bran’s warning.

Sam, well (haha, get it?) he’s fed up with all of this. Sure, he’s no longer on shit scooping detail, and sure, he did get to save someone’s life by carefully following the instructions in the curiously-at-the-time titled book, “How to save someone’s life by carefully following the instructions,” but he’s tired of it all. Tired of reading about other peoples’ achievements, tired of not being able to help Jon, tired of hearing the Archmaester ramble on and on about how The Long Night was an inside job. Hell, he’s so tired, that this time when Gilly stumbles into a plot revelation while practicing her reading skills and slaps Sam in the face with it, he completely misses it. Instead of continuing to do nothing then, Sam does what he does best when pinned into a corner by a bald white guy who’s kind of an a-hole: he steals from them! First his dad’s (VALYRIAN STEEL) sword. Now, a whole bunch of (presumably) relevant documents from the library. Most people don’t realize this, but Samwell Tarly is the reason you aren’t allowed to check out books from the reference section at libraries anymore.

But, welcome to “actually talking sincerely about Game of Thrones corner,” because oh my god does the show gloss over an important detail so as to tease us all to death! While reading the diary of a maester who recorded everything that happened to him, including bowel movements, Gilly comes across one non-bowel movement bit of information that has grand implications. This particular maester annuled Prince Rhaegar’s (or “Ragger’s”) marriage, and then re-married him to “someone else,” in a secret ceremony in some place I’ve never heard of called Dorne. Knowing what we already sort of think we know, this probably means Rhaegar and Lyanna were legally married, which means the son they then had probably together that is probably Jon Snow probably has a legitimate claim to the Iron Throne, due to his heritage, which again, seems probable. Probably. I’m not sure what this means for Jon’s ultimate arc, seeing as he’s more fixated on saving the world rather than ruling it from the Iron Throne, but cool! This has been “actually talking sincerely about Game of Thrones corner.”

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Photo: HBO

Speaking of all that familial lineage stuff, Jon continues to have interaction with Dany’s dragons. Drogon flies right up to Jon and roars at him, but Jon is all “Dude, I’m just tryna look melancholy by a cliff over here.” Realizing that his brooding would probably be better served if there wasn’t an enormous dragon all up in his business, Jon tries to get Drogon to chill by doing what anyone would do in this situation: letting the dragon smell his hand because it’s only a child after all, what could go wrong? Nothing goes wrong though, and Drogon in fact gets super calm and is all like “YETH, THITH ITH MY FAMILY,” because all dragons have lisps. Neither Jon nor Daenerys know how to read Drogon’s non-verbal response though, and the two of them kind of have looks of like, “well that happened, huh?” Daenerys is maybe a little turned on? I don’t know, much like Jon and Daenerys being unable to read Drogon, I am terrible at reading women. Being a single mother of dragons most likely is very difficult though, so maybe she would like to lock up a father of dragons to help. Or maybe she’s just showing Jon a look of shocked admiration, I don’t know why I had to make it romantic or sexual, I don’t even want them to end up together. Daenerys takes this tender-ish moment to finally pop the question to Jon, “so, what was up with that whole ‘he literally took a knife to the heart for his people, and I mean that literally’ thing Davos was saying?” Before he can clarify however, Jorah comes back! And he’s in black! And he’s cured! And he’s back in Dany’s service again! And he brought hugs!

Eventually, the same message from Bran that reached The Citadel finds Jon in Dragonstone. Jon didn’t even know that Bran was alive! The message mentions Arya too. He didn’t know that she was alive either! Well, now he has to go home. Unfortunately, The Night King is approaching Eastwatch, which means that it’s also go time on that front. Daenerys however, cannot leave to help (not that Jon has bent the knee yet anyway,) on account of Cersei, so Tyrion hatches up one of his trademark hair-brained schemes. What if they convince Cersei that the threat to The North is real by… bringing a wight to King’s Landing!…


It seems ridiculous because it is, but believe it or not, everyone is kind of on board. Davos can do what he does best and smuggle Tyrion into King’s Landing, Jorah volunteers to help get a wight, and Jon volunteers to be the man to lead the expedition beyond The Wall. Next thing you know, Tyrion and Davos land at the back door to King’s Landing, and Tyrion is having a secret meeting with Jaime in that room with the dragon skulls. Jaime is pissed at first, you know, over the whole patricide thing, but he hears Tyrion out. When Jaime returns to Cersei and lets her know that he met with Tyrion, Jaime in turn gets to meet Cersei’s COLD STARE. Jaime says that Tyrion says that Daenerys says she wants an armistice on account of the approaching Army of the Dead. Cersei says she’s pregnant again, and she doesn’t care that people won’t like Jaime being acknowledged as the father. Clearly nothing is disrupting her tunnel vision that the Lannisters are best and are definitely going to win. Surely she’ll be amenable to all of her enemies showing up at her doorstep to make her look at a dead guy though, right?

All the while, Davos has headed to Flea Bottom to take care of some business of his own. Actually, it feels like he’s taking care of some business for all of us viewers out there, because he heads to Flea Bottom to find Gendry of all people! What a shocking mom… Oh wait, there’s the actor who plays Gendry’s name in the credits. And even if you didn’t know the actor’s name, what other person of consequence is there left in this story that would have the stag sigil of House Baratheon next to their name?

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Photo: Fucking HBO…

Sometimes it’s hard being so smart and observant… But yeah, Gendry is back, and he looks several seasons older. Turns out that whole time we and Davos thought he was still rowing, he was in King’s Landing this whole time! Wow! Gendry is more than ready to get the hell out of this place with Davos, and brings his BIG ASS HAMMER with him. Good thing too, because that BIG ASS HAMMER is needed almost immediately, after Davos runs out of ways to work his smuggler magic when Tyrion shows up to get on the boat in plain sight of two guards. Luckily, Gendry has no qualms about smashing their heads in. He’ll do.

Davos tells Gendry to act like he’s some dude named Clovis, and not Robert Baratheon’s bastard. They don’t need any more drama. Good thing then that Clovis tells Jon that he’s not Clovis like, three words into Davos’ introduction of him. They bond over the fact that they’ve met each other’s fathers, and vow to fight together, you know, just like their fathers! Gendry, a less fat Robert, and Jon, a less tall Ned (even though Ned’s not his real dad, shhhh they don’t know that yet!) As the gang gets ready to leave with Jorah in tow, Tyrion hands Jorah the coin that he got that time they were slaves together. Oh, what a romp that was! Tyrion also tells Jorah to bring it back though, because, “our Queen needs you.” Jorah and Daenerys then share a very emotional farewell. Damn, Jorah is done for, isn’t he?

The Fantastic Four then head to Eastwatch where Tormund can’t believe they now have to convince two queens that White Walkers are real and death is coming for everyone. He’s also a little upset that Jon didn’t bring “The Big Woman” with him. AS IF YOU DON’T KNOW HER REAL NAME TORMUND, stop trying to kid us. Tormund takes our gang to the prison cells where, hey, it’s Beric Dondarrion, Thoros, and The Hound! Boy, is there quite a bit of bad blood here: Beric and Thoros sold Gendry to Melisandre, Jorah’s father ordered raids on Tormund’s people, Jon met The Hound once when he was still a dick. But, they’re all going to set aside their differences and fight together. Good thing I was already sitting down on my faintin’ couch, because a team-up of all these great characters, and Gendry, is something for the ages. All of humanity is on the same side. Wow, so beautiful, so poetic… It’s too bad at least four of them are going to get killed next episode.

Spare thoughts to run through our head as we let a dragon sniff our hand:

-Also happening this episode: All the Lords in the North are kinda like “Ehhhh, maybe we like Sansa better?” Fickle jerks. Arya wants Sansa to behead Lords Glover and Royce for questioning Jon, but it’s probably best if the family doesn’t go down that road of beheading their own allies again. Littlefinger gets a scroll from Maester Wolkan and hides it in his mattress like a common porno mag. Arya breaks into Littlefinger’s room and steals it, but *GASP* that’s exactly what Littlefinger wanted her to do.

-This was going to be the first-ever “Sansa Snark presents: Jeremy gets drunk and watches Game of Thrones” post, but I couldn’t figure out how to translate formerly drunken watching into currently sober writing. So instead I just got drunk while watching and took terrible notes as a result.

-Sam doesn’t know that his father and brother are dead, and he doesn’t know that Daenerys killed them. PLEASE DON’T TURN SAM HEEL ON JON.

-If you needed a reminder that time on Game of Thrones is kind of proceeding at warp speed this season, Baby Sam is now somehow Toddler Sam. HOW LONG HAS SAMWELL TARLY BEEN AT THE CITADEL???

-It’s so devilishly genius of the show to have the one person aware that Rhaegar and Lyanna were lawfully married be the one who doesn’t even understand what she’s reading. Pay attention to your woman Sam! Listen to her when she’s reading you things that turn out to be important! Always screwing up when it comes to Gilly!

-Upon arriving at King’s Landing, Tyrion and Davos reflect upon the last time they were there. Tyrion hasn’t been there since he killed his dad with a crossbow, and Davos hasn’t been since Tyrion killed his son with wildfire. Thnks fr th mmrs.

-Fermented crab: it’s nature’s Viagra doncha know?

-Who’s going to die next week?

  • Beric, Thoros, and Gendry are all goners in my opinion. The two representatives of The Brotherhood really only serve to further along The Hound’s character development, and I don’t see Gendry’s usefulness beyond this episode. (Gendry already made clear he doesn’t care about being a Baratheon when he blew his cover in three seconds, so it’s not like he’s being set up to be molded into a future Lord or something.)
  • Jorah is all also going to die, but, I think that he is going to be the wight that Jon brings back to prove that the Army of the Dead exist. “Use me. Show the Khaleesi.”
  • Tormund is this series’ Wedge Antilles and I won’t settle for anything less than him and Brienne getting married and having several large adult children together. Still, after surviving #Blackcastle and Hardhome, his luck could be running out.
  • The Hound has to make it to King’s Landing in order to face off with his brother one last time. Seriously, if “The Clegane Bowl” doesn’t happen, I’m afraid there are some rather extreme Game of Thrones fan-theorists out there who are going to harm themselves. This is like the second biggest theory behind L+R=J, right?
  • If Jon dies, we riot.


(To find every single edition of Sansa Snark, click right here.)


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