Previously on recapping Game of Thrones… no one too important died, unless you count a dragon that we’ve barely spent any time with getting killed and turned into a wight by the Night King himself. Idk, it doesn’t seem like it will be that big of a deal? This week…
Season 7, Episode 7- The Dragon and the Wolf
All it took was a polite suggestion from Samwell Tarly that Bran Stark use his Associate’s degree in Three-Eyed Raven studies to look at one very specific moment, and voila! At last we have the full story. Rhaegar Targaryen didn’t kidnap and rape Lyanna Stark, they were in love. Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie. Jon Snow isn’t the bastard son of Ned Stark, he’s the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and a legitimate one at that. He was never a bastard, in fact he’s the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. And Jon’s name isn’t Jon either, it’s Aegon. Hmm, Aegon… I like it! Exotic enough so as to feel more fantastical than a name like Robert, but not difficult to learn how to spell correctly like Daenerys or Melisandre. Or Robb. Fuck you and your two b’s Robb, I don’t miss you.
But yeah, the complete revelation on Jon Snow’s heritage certainly… complicates things? Especially because, you know, Jon and Daenerys totally end up boning by episode’s end! Ew guys, you’re related! This won’t end up just affecting events within the show, it affects me too. I feel that I have been largely pro-Jon Snow throughout this show’s run. But, I also haven’t shied away from my vehement anti-incest opinions on this blog before. Can I really afford to compromise on them now all in service of continuing to support a fictional character who I’ll never meet because he isn’t real? Man, how did I get here…
When the whole gang rolled up on King’s Landing, I was there for it. I was in. Look at all the character reunions that got squeezed into several minutes because dammit, this series is going to wrap up next season whether you like it or not! Tyrion and Podrick have a cute moment where they’re happy to finally see each other again. Remember when Tyrion got Podrick laid, and we learned that Podrick was a sex legend? Good times. Brienne also has a rather civil reunion with The Hound, a guy she thought she killed once upon a time. She confirms that Arya is alive, and that she no longer needs protection from evil people, it’s evil people who need protection from her. I swear The Hound almost cried a happy tear. We even get a real reunion between Tyrion and Bronn, in which Tyrion admits he wishes Bronn were on his side. But as Bronn sees it, he’s good, look at all these traitors he’s delivering right to the Queen! Bronn is going to get that gold one of these days! And all that is before we even get to the Dragon Pits!
For once our merry friends finally arrive at the place where sad dog-sized dragons once roamed, there’s even more reunions. I will say though, these reunions were a little less… genial than the other ones? Just a bit. Brienne and Jamie? That felt a little awkward. Tyrion and Cersei? You know they hate each other’s guts. Theon and Euron? Euron literally calls out Theon within seconds of the meeting. Sandor (The Hound) and Gregor (The Mountain)? Not exactly the “Clegane Bowl” we were all looking to cream our pants over (ew,) but at least there’s a tease of “you’ve always known who’s coming for you,” from The Hound to The Mountain, whatever that means! Regardless of all of this, the terms of the meeting seem set: everyone try to be friends and don’t touch the dead guy in the box. Only, things can’t start yet, because Daenerys is late. Come on. Though, it did take her up until this season to have enough character momentum built up to actually set foot in Westeros, so I guess it’s to be expected.
Eventually, Daenerys arrives on the back of Drogon (of course,) who messes up some ancient stonework, before heading off to the mall until his mom needs him to pick her up at 3. Finally, things can get underway. Well actually, after calling out Theon (as mentioned earlier,) Euron makes a terrible dwarf joke, a joke he then explains, which is a big no-no when it comes to stand-up comedy. He bombs so hard even Cersei is like, “Ugh, please sit.” Okay, now things can get underway. Here we go, baby, let’s Avengers Assemble up in this bitch.
Photo: HBO
Jon lays it on hard and without nuance, as he always does. The White Walkers are real, and unless humanity unites, the dead are going to kill all the living in some cruel twist of irony!!! Dany meanwhile outlines that she only wants a truce between her and Cersei, so as to facilitate a grand fight between the living and the dead. Cersei, as expected is like, “I don’t believe you, and I don’t believe you.”
Accordingly, Tyrion orders the box with the wight in it to be opened, and at last we get to see if his amazing, brilliant, totally not dumb plan was worth it. Honestly, it’s the most exhilarating unboxing video this side of that kid getting really excited about getting a Nintendo 64 (timely reference, I know.) Between The Hound having to unlock a seemingly unending series of latches, the brief moment when it seemed like the wight may have actually died in the course of travel, and the payoff where it charges right up to Cersei’s mug before getting hacked up for a seventh grade science lecture about how to kill wights, things could not have been more tense. Fully committing to his chickenshit heel wrestling gimmick, Euron is all, “I’M OUT,” taking his ships and straight up leaving. Frightened as any logical person would be, and suddenly down an ally, Cersei agrees to a truce, so long as the dead are…alive. However, when Jon, “the honorable son of Ned Stark” denies to serve both Cersei and Daenerys, the deal is taken off the table. Cersei leaves.
So now everyone is pissed at Jon for not considering “we’re all fucked now,” when turning down Cersei, which means Tyrion of all people has to go sort things out. Lest we forget, of all of the thoughts constantly on Cersei’s mind, “Kill Tyrion: how?” is one of the more prevalent ones. It’s pretty much a suicide mission only an idiot would take. Tyrion is a self-described idiot though, further evidenced by the fact that he straight up dares Cersei to have The Mountain kill him. But, either because she doesn’t want to actually kill her brother, or because having The Mountain smush him isn’t “creative” enough for her, Cersei does not order Tyrion’s death. Instead the contentious siblings do what they do best: drink wine! Well, Tyrion does, because as he comes to realize, CERSEI IS PREGNANT! And apparently, his realizing that is enough to convince Cersei, because guess what, she’s ordering her armies to march North to help out the rest of these jokers. At last, humanity has a hope!
…Until it doesn’t. In actuality, Cersei has done what Jon should have done when she asked that he serve her: lied about her true intentions. Turns out, with assistance from the Iron Bank, Cersei bought 20 thousand men from the mysterious Golden Company. And Euron didn’t peace out at all! He’s actually on his way to Essos to pick them all up! When she tells Jaime all of this, he’s basically horrified, wondering how she could stomp all over the tenuous alliance she just made. Basically, Cersei is only in it for herself and her future incest baby, and even Jaime can GTFO. Jaime gets labeled a conspirator, and a traitor. He’s also called the most hurtful thing of all: the stupidest Lannister. ‘
Much like with Tyrion however, when it comes down to it, Cersei cannot bring herself to have Jaime killed by The Mountain (despite giving The Mountain a nod to go ahead with the killing of Jaime? Was there a secondary hand signal we as the viewer were not aware of?) Instead, Jaime walks away, leaving Cersei with nothing but her giant floor map. As snow begins to fall on King’s Landing, Jaime puts a glove over his dumb gold hand so as to not give himself away, and rides North.
Photo: HBO
You know what else was great, convoluted as the journey was to get there? Littlefinger’s death. Last week, I broke character to get mighty fed up with the Winterfell storyline, proclaiming it loudly to be “…confusing, annoying bullshit.” This week, we seemed destined to be headed in a similar direction, with Littlefinger advising Sansa on his favorite game/way to evaluate someone’s character: assume the worst! Littlefinger stokes paranoia within Sansa that Arya wants to kill her, in order become Lady of Winterfell. At this point, I felt like I could flip my couch over in outrage. Little did I know that I was totally, as the kids say, working myself into a shoot.
When Sansa brings Arya into The Great Hall, and Bran is just sitting there like a young Maester Aemon, they really make it seem like Arya is on trial. But no, the one standing accused of murder and treason is in fact… LORD BAELISH. Oh shit son! They done swerved us!
Lord Baelish can’t help but be a little flabbergasted as he tries to skitter out of this like the cockroach that he is. The Stark kids however, are having none of it. He started off every terrible thing that’s gone wrong by having Lysa kill Jon Arryn. Bran quotes Littlefinger verbatim again, this time repeating what he said to Ned Stark after he had betrayed him, “I warned you not to trust me.” Arya explains that the dagger intended to kill Bran belonged to Littlefinger all along. It’s like suddenly everyone started to pay attention (or gained the ability to see everything in Bran’s case,) and all the pieces fell into place. Sansa thanks Littlefinger for all the lessons he taught her, least of all that there is no justice in the world unless you make it yourself. So, for betraying the Stark family on multiple, multiple, multiple occasions Littlefinger gets his throat cut by Arya. Right then and there! That’s Northern justice for ya. See? Even though Sansa still finds Arya to be strange and annoying, the sisters were in cahoots the whole time. The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. (I have no idea what that means, but damn is it a cool sentence to end a paragraph on!)
It was also nice of Game of Thrones to decide “Hey, we haven’t checked in with Theon in a while, let’s wrap up this Greyjoy stuff.” Theon approaches Jon, telling him he admires that Jon always does the right thing. Jon is quick to correct him though, stating that he’s done some bad stuff too. Oh, but not as bad as you, Theon. No, you’ve definitely been a big ol’ piece of poop. That doesn’t mean however, that Theon doesn’t have any good in him. After all, Theon grew up in Winterfell. Ned Stark is as much a part of Theon as he is of Jon (literally, HE’S NOT JON’S FATHER.) There’s no reason for Theon to be caught between being a Stark and being a Greyjoy, even though Ned was a cool dad, and Theon’s real dad was a dick. He’s both.
Taking all of that under consideration, Theon remembers the time Yara tried to save him from Ramsay (I too remember that dumb scene where a couple of dogs turned back an entire troop of Ironborn, and Ramsay was fighting without a shirt on for some reason. Good times.) When no one else remembered him, Yara did. You know, Yara. Now, it’s his turn to save her.
Theon’s men don’t see the point in risking their own lives though, opting instead to get back to raping and killing, just like in the old days. So naturally, Theon and the head asshole-in-charge of Theon’s men get into a fight. Only, Theon is really bad at fighting. Like, beaten within an inch of his life bad. To his credit though, Theon gets knocked down, but he gets back up again, you’re never gonna keep him down, pissing the night away, oh Danny boy, etc. Even when literally threatened with death, Theon gets back up. And then, he gets the upper-hand when his adversary continually tries to knee him in the balls. HA! There’s nothing there you stupid idiot! That’s like the one thing Theon is known for! Oh my god, how could you be so dumb? Suddenly, Theon becomes a skilled fighter, gains the upper-hand, and wins the fight, maybe also killing his adversary in the process? It’s unclear. Regardless Theon and the like, 15 other Ironborn still loyal to him are going to go save Yara. THEON REDEMPTION ARC COMPLETE.
Photo: HBO
And then, there’s the incest. Hooooo boy. Earlier on in the episode, while they wait for Tyrion to come back from Cersei’s, or to just be dead, Jon and Dany continue to grow their bond. Daenerys laments that they are standing in the Dragon Pits, the place that was the beginning of the end of her family. But, her family is not done yet, as Jon points out. After all, she’s still alive (as is he!) Of course, her being alive doesn’t really matter, due to the fact that she cannot have children. Jon disputes this too however, when he finds out that Daenerys heard this “fact” from the witch that killed her husband using blood magic. This may shock you, but apparently witches might not be the most reliable sources of information. Later, instead of traveling separate, Jon and Daenerys decide to travel back North together, in order to show those fickle Northerners that Daenerys is there to save them, not conquer them. That’s all poppycock, really they’re just two attractive twenty-somethings who really wanna BANG. And bang they do. Wait, are they going to have a kid now? Was that the whole point of Daenerys bringing up that she can’t have children, and Jon asserting that witches ain’t shit?
Damn. Now… I don’t know. How can I support a show when one of my favorite characters is now in an incestuous relationship. Honestly, I had to turn the show off after that scene. I couldn’t stand to watch it anymore. There’s nothing that could have happened that could redeem…what’s that? The Night King rode in on a dragon and destroyed Eastwatch???
Spare Thoughts scattered all over the ground like so many pieces of Eastwatch, because again, the Night King rode in on a dragon and destroyed it:
-Phew, that’s gonna be one awkward conversation between Aejon Snowgaryen and Daenerys once they find out the truth. I’m sure it’ll all be resolved within an episode, because after all, Benioff and Weiss wanna wrap this up ASAP so they can explore the deep, psychological implications of “What if black people were still slaves?”
-I love it so much that Bronn and Pod head off to drink together while the “more important” characters hash things out in the Dragon Pits. Hopefully, they took the edge off with some tall glasses of King’s Landing Iced Teas, which is like a Long Island Iced Tea, but with a splash of water from Flea Bottom for that authentic filth taste that so characterizes King’s Landing as a whole.
-Too many people living in too small a space, often residing among filth, rats, and unsavory people, simply because there are better work opportunities? King’s Landing is New York City.
-I love how after the wight’s hand gets cut off, Qyburn immediately gets in on the action. That’s our Qyburn! Never missing out on a chance to mutilate a corpse, that Qyburn.
-Brienne shows some interesting character development by telling Jaime to subvert loyalty and tell Cersei to get off her damn high horse so she can help save humanity. When someone with a sword literally called “Oathkeeper” tells you to break an oath, you know things are getting dire.
-Other thoughts constantly on Cersei’s mind: “Haircut: is it symmetrical?” “Baby names: Cersei Jr. too gauche?” “The Mountain, safe to feed after midnight?”
-Sam’s polite smile and nod to Bran telling him, “I remember everything,” is perfect.
-You know what’s not perfect though? Sam taking credit for finding the entry in the maester’s diary about Rhaegar and Lyanna, when it was Gilly who found it. WTF man!? Why you always gotta be disrespecting Gilly like that!? Typical man.
-RIP Tormund and Berric? Kind of a letdown way to go, blown up as if they were some random nameless character, but hey, I did just get done saying last week that the show had compromised on its unpredictability so…
Here’s the spot where I typically do an introspective self-review, but I already did that to death in the first post this season. Suffice it to say, not many more people read this, which was discouraging. But, I still feel like I’m doing the best Game of Thrones writing on the god damn planet, and I won’t be stopping until the series is done because I’ve already come too far to give up now. If you’re reading this and have enjoyed it, thank you, please share it with a friend or 20. Surely there must be some people out there who enjoy reading about one of the most popular shows in television history…
See you suckers in 18 months. I’m gonna go take a nap.
-George R.R. Jeremy
(If all of that somehow wasn’t enough, and you would like to read my thoughts on… oh, let’s say Season 4, Episode 7, you can find every previous edition of Sansa Snark by clicking here.)
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