Sansa Snark: Season 7, Episode 7

Previously on recapping Game of Thrones… no one too important died, unless you count a dragon that we’ve barely spent any time with getting killed and turned into a wight by the Night King himself. Idk, it doesn’t seem like it will be that big of a deal? This week…

Season 7, Episode 7- The Dragon and the Wolf

All it took was a polite suggestion from Samwell Tarly that Bran Stark use his Associate’s degree in Three-Eyed Raven studies to look at one very specific moment, and voila! At last we have the full story. Rhaegar Targaryen didn’t kidnap and rape Lyanna Stark, they were in love. Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie. Jon Snow isn’t the bastard son of Ned Stark, he’s the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and a legitimate one at that. He was never a bastard, in fact he’s the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. And Jon’s name isn’t Jon either, it’s Aegon. Hmm, Aegon… I like it! Exotic enough so as to feel more fantastical than a name like Robert, but not difficult to learn how to spell correctly like Daenerys or Melisandre. Or Robb. Fuck you and your two b’s Robb, I don’t miss you.

But yeah, the complete revelation on Jon Snow’s heritage certainly… complicates things? Especially because, you know, Jon and Daenerys totally end up boning by episode’s end! Ew guys, you’re related! This won’t end up just affecting events within the show, it affects me too. I feel that I have been largely pro-Jon Snow throughout this show’s run. But, I also haven’t shied away from my vehement anti-incest opinions on this blog before. Can I really afford to compromise on them now all in service of continuing to support a fictional character who I’ll never meet because he isn’t real? Man, how did I get here…

Sansa Snark: Season 7, Episode 6

 

Previously on recapping Game of Thrones… Get this: Jon Snow and his band of handsome gentlemen went, get this, North of The Wall in order to, get this, capture a wight and, get this, bring it back to King’s Landing in order to, GET THIS, convince Cersei that because a wight exists, and because they captured it and brought it to her, that this means they should definitely all work together. Genius! Why didn’t I think of this well-thought-out plan that has zero holes or flaws in it? This week…

Season 7, Episode 6- Beyond The Wall

Ah yes. The penultimate episode of this season of Game of Thrones. Hard to believe we’re here already. But, that’ll happen when the season is only seven episodes long because Benioff and Weiss want to get to work on their ill-advised, extremely problematic show about *takes bong rip* bro, what if the South won the Civil War, man? *exhales and coughs violently* as soon as possible. If you’ve been following this recap series or, you know, paying any attention to the the actual show at all over the previous six seasons, you know that Game of Thrones typically reserves some of its biggest/most shocking moments for these penultimate episodes. To recap within this recap:

• Season One: Ned Stark is executed
• Season Two: The Battle of the Blackwater
• Season Three: The Red Wedding
• Season Four: #BlackCastle
• Season Five: Stannis burns Shireen alive.
• Season Six: The Battle of the Bastards

After writing that down, I’m now realizing that, from year-to-year the moments alternate in theme between “legitimately upsetting” to “take a look at out CGI budget in the form of this huge battle.” So, being that we’re in an odd-numbered season, did the second-to-last episode of season seven deliver a soul-crushing, “fuck you George Benioff and Weiss for making me believe in hope,” moment?

Sansa Snark: Season 7, Episode 5

Previously on recapping Game of Thrones… Latest episode of the hit series. This week…

Season 7, Episode 5- Eastwatch

Hey, so Jaime didn’t die! Not that there was any chance of that actually happening in the first place. Still, it’s always nice when a character doesn’t die a random, heartbreaking death, and instead turns up on a beach to hack up a lung like me after a three-mile run. What a glorious day! (And Bronn didn’t die either!) Not so glorious for Jaime, he now has to be the one to let Cersei know that they are so totally fucked (Bronn’s words!) because if the Lannister army can’t stand up to one dragon, how in the name of Zeus’ BUTTHOLE are they going to stand up to three?

Sansa Snark: Season 7, Episode 3

Previously on recapping Game of Thrones… HOT PIE BACK! This week…

Season 7, Episode 3- The Queen’s Justice

At last, Game of Thrones has brought together two fan-favorite characters with more in common than either of them fully comprehend. Yes, “The Queen’s Justice” marks, and dedicates a big chunk of itself to, the first meeting between Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow. Hold on, let me use their full names: the first meeting between Daenerys Targaryen – The Mother of Dragons, The Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, The Unburnt, The Breaker of Chains, The Sultan of Swat, The Human Highlight Film, The Ayatollah of Rock ‘N’ Rolla – and Jon Snow – This is Jon Snow.