Previously, on recapping Game of Thrones… People were reunited to varying degrees of it feeling so good. This week, Sansa Snark presents:
Season 8, Episode 2: Game of Thrones Episode 69, Nice.
It’s the night before the big game and Winterfell is getting antsy. Jaime Lannister is there now too, and everyone is EXTREMELY HAPPY TO SEE HIM. Daenerys is regaling Jaime with a depressing story about her childhood. She reveals that, like literally every night, her very cool and totally chill brother Viserys would explain in detail how their father — the Mad King Aerys Targaryen — was murdered and how his blood spilled out onto the floor. Love helping my younger sister fall asleep by explaining regicide.
As a living human, Jaime has come to Winterfell to uphold his promise of fighting with the living against the dead, even if Cersei and her army won’t be showing up. Really though, no one actually seems too pleased that a one-handed, king-slaying, sister-lover has joined the fight. Except Tyrion! Tyrion thinks they all should trust Jaime’s word, even though Tyrion has made several calls of late that have been dicey at best. Neither Dany nor Sansa trust Tyrion’s word to trust Jaime’s word, and Jaime starts to get annoyed. He isn’t sorry for killing the Mad King (nor should he be: #thekingslayingwasjustified) nor does he feel bad for all his sordid wartime misdeeds against the Starks. Or as Bran puts it, looking all dead-eyed like it’s 4/20 and he’s reciting something that he learned in philosophy class to his roommates, “The things we do for love.”
Everyone is stunned into silence — what the hell is this damn kid talking about now? — until Brienne speaks up. She tells of how Jaime stood up for her, stopped horrid men from having their way with her, and lost his hand for it. By saving and arming her, Jaime made it possible for Brienne to get to Sansa in the first place, thereby upholding his oath to protect Catelyn Stark’s daughters. So, Sansa actually owes her life to Ser Jaime. That endorsement is enough for Sansa who gives her vote of confidence, as does Jon under the “we need every man we can get” clause. Bran, as you might expect, leaps from his chair to shake Jaime’s hand and say “WELCOME HOME, UNCLE JAIME.” Dany looks all too pleased, so very very glad at this development, just positively delighted.
She’s so so delighted that through a very real smile, she asks Sansa if she can steal her for a second. It’s time these two ladies cleared the air. They both have much in common — as two strong women kicking ass in the face of stupid men — and are both here for the right reasons. But, Dany wants to know, “Sweetie, I thought we were both in agreement about Ser Jaime, until you went and changed your tune. Why are we at odds with one another?”
Sansa explains that she has faith in Brienne, something Dany desperately wishes she had in her own advisors. She’s also a bit worried that Jon is being manipulated. Jon is clearly in love with Dany, and men do stupid things to please women, up to and including bending the knee to a new Queen without thinking of the consequences or implications. Dany explains that yes, while she is driven by the goal of sitting on the Iron Throne, she’s in Winterfell right now because she loves Jon Snow. She trusts him and knows that he is true to his word, like when he looks her in the eyes and says his name is Jon Snow, the bastard son of Ned Stark, never been anyone else of immense importance. So, who’s really doing the manipulating? Ahh, it’s such a genial conversation. They are like SISTERS. Just gabbing, laughing about men.
But then, Sansa asks what happens after they win, to which Dany replies that she takes the Iron Throne, wasn’t Sansa listening when she said that her goal was sitting on the Iron Throne? Sansa is worried about the North though, as they gained their independence and vowed to never bow again. This completely changes the mood, and Dany removes her hand from Sansa’s, indicating that actually, they are not like sisters.
Thankfully, Theon shows up before things degrade any further. Daenerys wants to know where the hell his sister, the Greyjoy she vastly prefers, is. He explains Yara has returned to the Iron Islands to claim them in the Queen’s name, and that he is here to fight for Winterfell, if Lady Sansa will have him. Lady Sansa is crying and rushes to embrace him. Yes! One step closer to closing out this Theon redemptive arc! Had to lift up my large dog and give him a hug just to release some emotion, no lie.
Meanwhile, Jaime meets Bran out by the Weirwood tree to get an appraisal on their whole situation. Like, are they cool? Because while he’s not sorry for all the other stuff he’s done, Jaime certainly is sorry for pushing young Bran out a window. Maybe he wasn’t sorry back then, but he definitely is now, seeing first-hand what damage he’s done to Bran Stark. Bran Stark however, tells Jaime that despite physically being Bran Stark, he’s actually not Bran Stark anymore. He’s now “something else.” Confusing, I know!
But, that “something else” has to be the bait in the trap that kills the Night King. The Night King is no dummy, he won’t expose himself to potential danger if the situation doesn’t call for it. After all, if he falls, his entire army falls and the dream of an endless night along with it. An opportunity to kill the Three-Eyed Raven though, a chance to effectively erase the world’s memory, would be too good to pass up. So then everyone agrees, Bran will be dangled like a carrot on a stick in order to lure out and stop that which cannot be stopped.
Theon — setting himself up to be fully redeemed and then die so hard — volunteers to defend Bran. A nice full circle moment, as it was Theon’s insolence that forced Bran to flee Winterfell, and go on the strange trip that led him to becoming Three-Eyed Raven in the first place. Tyrion volunteers to help Davos signal everyone, but Dany steps in to say that Tyrion will actually go to the crypts with the women, children, and scared men. Dany’s not mad at Tyrion, she’s just been convinced by Jorah that she’ll need his mind — the one that keeps coming up with terrible plans — should they survive all this. Great, so everyone is all on the same page. Now then, does anyone know for sure that dragon fire can stop the Night King? Bran — Three-Eyed Raven, knower of things, memory database of the collective human race — has no idea. No one has ever tried it before. This battle is going to go SO WELL for the humans!
Bearing that in mind, everyone gets drunk, or at least commiserates with each other if they don’t feel like drinking! Edd, Tormund, Beric, and the rest return from Last Hearth with the dire news that all the Umbers have been turned to dead Umbers, and that the Night King’s army will be upon them by sunrise. Tyrion and Jaime sit by a fire reminiscing on the first time they came to Winterfell and how it all seemed so simple but really wasn’t. After all, Jaime was sleeping with his sister, and Tyrion’s only friend in the whole world was — coincidentally enough — also was sleeping with his sister. Those Golden Lion and whore mongering days are behind them now though, and they toast to the perils of self-betterment.
Then Brienne and Podrick walk in and, oh damn, it’s the long-awaited crossover episode between hypothetical Game of Thrones spin-offs M’Lady-Ser and the cancelled-before-its-time Kingslayer Brothers. Wow. Anyway, the Lannisters ask if either would like a drink and after some hardline forbidding, Brienne permits Pod to have a half cup. Tyrion of course gives him a very tall pour, one that is well beyond a half-cup and into one and three-quarters cup territory. Oh well, he’s an adult. If Pod dies because his hangover is too bad, so be it.
Soon, Davos strolls in, as does Tormund. Everyone wants to sit by what is seemingly the one fire that’s burning in all of Winterfell, because my gods is it cold out! Davos doesn’t want a drink and Tormund brought his own that’s inside of a horn. What a cool-ass dude. Tormund remarks to Brienne how it could be their last night and he’s glad she is here. For fighting purposes, not for sex stuff, though Brienne is so hilariously disgusted by everything Tormund does, I doubt anything would happen even if Tormund did openly suggest they sleep together. It may be time to officially retire my “’Tormund + Brienne 4eva’ inside of a heart with an arrow through it” stance to the rafters. Especially after Tormund rivets the group with the story of how he became known as Giantsbane. Straight up, Tormund claims that he killed a giant at age 10, and then climbed into bed with the giant’s wife to suckle at her teat for three months, growing nice and strong off of giant’s milk. He then takes what feels like a full minute to chug the rest of the drink in his horn-cup, spilling it all over himself as he does so. LEGEND.
The night starts to wind down and Tyrion makes some remarks about the battles they’ve all survived, and how he thinks they might survive this latest one too. He runs down everyone’s list of accomplishments before he comes to Lady Brienne. Tormund wonders aloud why Brienne is a “lady” and not a “knight,” and it’s because women aren’t allowed to be called knights in Westeros, a dumb place no one should ever want to live. Making perhaps a last-ditch effort to keep their initials in a heart with an arrow through it, Tormund remarks he would knight Brienne 10 times over if he could. Jaime totally swoops in and one-ups him though — classic Golden Lion move — stating that any knight can knight someone, a King isn’t needed. He asks Brienne to kneel and boy, the energy is PALPABLE. Everybody looks on like, “wow what a moment this is,” when Jaime finishes the formality and says “Arise, Brienne of Tarth, a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.” Brienne looks so happy and everyone applauds! Jaime stated earlier in the episode that — since he’s a nice and respectful man now — he would be honored to fight under Brienne, and this scene proves exactly how much love and respect he has for her (A lot! A lot of love and respect!)
Speaking of love and respect, Jon finally finds the proper moment to give Daenerys the whole spiel about who he really is, and it’s right before the Night King shows up. Under normal circumstances, this would spell immediate trouble for the hottest couple in the Seven Kingdoms. But, bro, she can’t be mad at you if you have to band together to save the entire human race, bro! Way to plan, Jon! On the other hand, he better pray one of them dies in this battle, because there’s no way Daenerys is letting Jon/Aegon’s legitimate claim to the Iron Throne slide by undiscussed.
Spare thoughts that definitely will not be able to stop the Night King:
- I was going to go on for a paragraph or two about Arya and Gendry getting it on, which is kind of uncomfortable to see as Arya was like 12 when the show first started and Gendry has always looked 33, but in the end at least Arya got to make a human connection after all she’s gone through. I was going to… but it turns out Sophie Turner had the only relevant take on this subject: https://twitter.com/maia419/status/1120358907074031617?s=21
- Also happening this episode: Samwell Tarly is a big deal, maybe for the last time ever. When Jon and Edd suggest he may want to stay in the crypts with Gilly and Little Sam, he reminds them of all the brave things he’s done: surviving the Fist of the First Men, killing a Thenn, saving Gilly multiple times, and of course, his crowning achievement… being the first man to steal books from a library. Later, Sam gives his family’s Valyrian Steel sword to Jorah because he believes it is the right thing to do as per his life lessons learned from Jorah’s father (also he can’t physically lift the sword, which is another very good reason.) Jorah promises to wield the sword in his father’s honor and it is very heartwarming!
- It was funny when Arya called The Hound and Beric “miserable old shits.” Semi-related, why does The Hound’s drinking mechanism look like a tennis racquet cover?
- A special report on race relations in Winterfell: Folks, they’re not great!
- Podrick was already a noted sex legend, but the guy can sing too? Pod Save America.
- Bran seems to always just be places. Like does he teleport, do the wheels on his chair actually work, if so does he wheel himself or does someone else do it? So many questions to which we may never know the answers.
- I don’t usually like making predictions because I hate acting like I care about the show. But, I do enjoy being right about things and appearing smart to my peers, so here’s the complete list of characters who will eat it next week: Beric, Bran, Brienne, Edd, Gendry, Grey Worm, Theon, Tormund, and Tyrion. I take no pleasure in reporting this.
- More specifically, both Tyrion and Jaime will survive the actual battle, but then Tyrion will be killed immediately after by Bronn in a “nothing personnel, kid” scenario. Jaime will get Bronn back — my man just wanted to fuck in peace — and then will eventually kill Cersei. The things we do for love…
- As an incredibly fun exercise in “why not,” the worst possible prediction I can think up — and by “worst” I mean just like a bullshit twist, shocking for the sake of being shocking, accomplishes nothing aside from being a moment people are going to go crazy over — is Brienne getting killed by a wight version of Stannis Baratheon. THEY SPECIFICALLY NEVER SHOWED HIS DEATH AND YOU’RE NEVER “DEAD” ON THIS SHOW UNTIL WE ACTUALLY SEE YOU DIE, STANNIS IS COMING BACK TO BREAK OUR HEARTS ONE LAST TIME.
- Man, things are not going to go well in those crypts!
And that’ll do it for this week’s edition of Sansa Snark! Can’t believe, but am incredibly relieved we’re already 1/3 of the way done with this final season. Now come the extra-long episodes and the extra-long trying of my sanity…
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