Photo: HBO
Previously on Game of Thrones: Throwin’ SHADE was the name of the game (of thrones.) This week…
Season 5, Episode 4: Sons of the Harpy
Of all the things that one can believe in, religion is the weirdest. People will go to extreme lengths, if they think it gets them right with the lord. For example, cutting an intricate insignia into your forehead and dispensing street justice on everyone deemed indecent could be something a person would do, if they were really into performing acts they thought pleased god. Then again, that person would also have to be insane. As it turns out, The Sparrows are really into pleasing god. As it also turns out, The Sparrows are a group of insane people. The Sparrows: The new gang in town. The Sparrows: Rising to unquestionable power in approximately 30 seconds. The Sparrows: Be holy or they’ll literally kill you. The Sparrows: Buhbuhbut their leader seemed so nice! These guys want to turn the back the clock to a time when King’s Landing was even more terrible, and sinners were punished properly for disgracing whatever is that sinners get accused of disgracing. Basically, play time is over, and if everyone who sins in King’s Landing is going to get “proper” punishment, The Sparrows are going to be the only people left in King’s Landing by like Episode 9.
Fortunately for the bird boys, they have the backing of one Cersei Lannister. Cersei believes so deeply in her own superiority that she’ll enlist the help of religious fanatics who carve their logo into their foreheads to decide what is justice, if it means keeping her status. This is risky move for her. considering all that incest. Regardless, after getting the verbal smack down laid on her by Margaery Tyrell last week, Cersei starts making moves to exact her revenge. Mace Tyrell gets sent off to the Iron Bank with the highly trustworthy Ser Meryn, who is totally not in Cersei’s pocket, and would never think to do something like, I don’t know, kill Mace Tyrell. Why, why that would be ridiculous! Loras Tyrell gets arrested under Sparrow Law for having the worst kept secret in all of Westeros. Tommen tries to have him freed but, forgetting that he is the king that can probably do whatever he damn well pleases, backs down from The Sparrows after it appears there will be some violence. As expected, this causes great marital distress between Tommen and his new wife Margaery. Look out Margaery, CERSEI COMIN’ FOR YA.
At The Wall, we have another person who believes firmly in god. In this case though, it’s Melisandre and the totally real Lord of Light, so it’s cool (or since this is the Lord of Light, hot I guess?) I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it, THIS GOD IS THE REAL DEAL. How else do you explain anything that ever happens with Melisandre? She is faithful to the Lord of Light, and in return, The Lord of Light tells her everything! Melisandre knows something about Jon Snow’s lineage, that he’s got some of that highly coveted royal blood in him. (She even knows the catchphrase! SHE EVEN KNOWS THE CATCHPHRASE!) Thus she tries to seduce him into making a second shadow baby, or whatever freaky stuff Melisandre is in to. But, Jon Snow is dedicated to his oath (along with all that paperwork that comes with it!) and to Ygritte, whom he still loves because she only died like what, six days ago in the timeline of the show? Plus, what would Stannis Baratheon, Dad of the Year think?
Seriously, when did Stannis become the nicest guy on Game of Thrones?Mrs. Baratheon, still crazy, is ashamed of her lovely daughter Shireen, but not Old Stan! “Why honey, don’t you know how tirelessly I fought to stop the spread of your Greyscale and save your life? Your mother may not want you here, but who cares what she thinks? I certainly don’t! Did I ever tell you about your shadow monster half-brother? Okay, okay too much information, sorry honey. Anyway, you’re a Baratheon! And dammit, you can go hang around whatever ancient fort you damn well please! Also, sorry it’s so boring here; it is a frozen wasteland, after all. Now, go teach some illiterate 50-year-old his ABC’s.” I’ve given Stannis a hard time in the past for not doing much of anything ever, but in Season Five, I’ll gladly back him as Most Valuable Baratheon. MVB! MVB!
Photo: HBO
Jaime Lannister just wants his kid back. Oh, did I say kid? I meant niece! Haha, Myrcella is totally his niece, not a daughter that was born out of incest between Jaime and his sister! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Boy, this premiere of Assignment Dorne Beach sure does not disappoint. The banter alone is worth the price of admission. Between digs at Jaime’s one-handedness making him very recognizable, to Jaime informing Bronn he’ll have to do all the rowing due to Jaime’s one-handedness, I wish that this were a perfect world where revisited these two every week. Assignment Dorne Beach really gets kicked into high gear however, ON A BEACH IN DORNE. Bronn and Jaime are almost immediately stopped by a four-man Beach Patrol. They then get dragged into a fight in which Bronn has to take on three guys, while Jaime struggles to take down “the slow one,” since he still sucks at fighting with his left hand. And though Bronn does most of the heavy lifting, Jaime steals the eglory, just like he always does, by using that fake gold hand to stop his opponents sword and make the kill. Turns out that hand is worth more than something just to get slapped with! After that it’s time to bury the bodies. That’s Bronn’s job of course; Jaime can’t do much digging with one hand! *Freeze frame, Roll credits* Next time, on Assignment Dorne Beach: Elsewhere in the sand, Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes do sand things to people buried up to their necks in the sand. They also decide that all out war with King’s Landing is the correct play to make, punctuated by throwing a spear through the head of the the aforementioned guy buried up to his neck in the sand. Watch out for these ladies, Jaime and Bronn, they are going to throw a spear into the head that is your plan to rescue Jaime’s daughter. NIECE! Sorry, sorry. Niece.
In Daenerys land, which is this close to finally getting a full head of steam (this week was a start,) the Sons of the Harpy start their revolución. They just can’t take it any more! If you won’t let them kill each other for sport in the fighting pits, well then they’re just going to have to overthrow the government! How dare you let them live instead of fighting to the death? Don’t you want their names to live on, or whatever they’re so concerned about? The revolt caps off the episode, culminating in a bloody battle with the Unsullied in which the number of people stabbed in the episode is increased by a multiple of like, 20. Greyworm is almost killed, but then Ser Barristan Selmy comes to the rescue! He is then almost killed, but then Greyworm comes to the rescue! Then they both die anyway, along with all the Sons of the Harpy involved in the fight. The End.
Spare Thoughts to clean our multiple stab wounds:
-Sorry if this is week’s entry is a weak entry. It’s been a long few days here at Sansa Snark HQ.
– Also happening this week: Jorah confirms to Tyrion what we already knew last week when he said he would be taking Tyrion to “The Queen.” He’s taking him to Daenerys, not Cersei! UHHH DUHHHHH. (SCHMITTY.) Jorah also slaps Tyrion if I recall, after a long speech in which Tyrion figures out Jorah’s entire plan? It’s been a long few days over here at Sansa Snark HQ.
– Also also happening this week: Sansa lights candles and gets some more choice Little Finger wisdom: “Even the most dangerous men can be out maneuvered. And you’ve learned from the very best.” FOREBODE. Meanwhile, Little Finger thinks a kiss on the lips is an appropriate farewell in this situation, and is walking into a trap in King’s Landing that he totally doesn’t see coming. 😦
-Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna got mentioned a lot this week (at least by normal mentioning of them standards.) I don’t like to speculate (that was two weeks ago’s bit!) but I did read this very interesting piece of speculation on Slashfilm that I now wish I hadn’t read because I personally don’t like figuring out what a TV show is up to before they reveal what they’re up to. (It makes the surprises more surprising!) Still, interesting.
-As mentioned, Ser Meryn is off to the Iron Bank to probably kill Mace Tyrell. The Iron Bank is in Braavos. Who else is in Braavos with a certain Ser Meryn on her Intergalactic Hit List? Arya Stark. OH YEAAHH!
-I haven’t talked about it at all, but it’s worth noting that this is the third week in a row that Greyscale has gotten noteworthy mention. Consider this mention another noteworthy mention worth taking note of.
-Alternate titles for this post include: “Bad Religion,” “People are Strange,” and “Sand Castles in the Sand.”
-I binge watched Transparent this past weekend and like, it was good, but also, I despise pretty much every character? Somehow, Rob Huebel, who at one point threateningly holds a knife at a Shabbat dinner, ends up being the 3rd most sympathetic character (Numbers one and two being an elderly gentleman with advanced dementia, and a Rabbi played by Kathryn Hahn, respectively.) I don’t know. Watch it, I guess. At least then you’ll know the context of this fantastic image.
Fight This Generation 